OK. I did a brief search, and there are at least 40 pages of people named "Darth" that hang out around here, so I figured I should get my list of secret rebel base excuses ready. So, here's a top ten list of why I can't tell you where my secret rebel base is at the moment. And, a friendly reminder to you Darths out there- if you keep destroying planets to try to get this information out of me, you'll eventually run out of empire to blow up...

Here goes:

10) I left the location of the rebel base in my other purse. The ammo for my blaster's in that bag, too, so, yeah, I'm p*ssed about that.

9) Mon Mothma tried to forward me the email of the location of the rebel base, but because that base is being run by Generals Vioxx and Viagra, my spam filter discarded it.

8) I tried to follow the directions to the rebel base from a Google map, but they plotted a course for me though an asteroid field (and thanks for putting those mines there, Imperial folks- nice touch!) and I ended up by the black hole next to the Montreal Ikea parking lot.

7) I already gave the location of the secret rebel base to Darth Ballgame, but he ate it.

6) Han was actually the last to know the location of the rebel base, but, last I saw, he was encased in carbonite, and either the Mandalorians or the Hutts have him now. Good luck with that. I'm not chasing after him after that lap dancing incident with that Twilek girl in Mos Eisley. I'd rather build a new base...

5) The location of the secret base is somewhere in this R2 unit, and I've been trying to get it out, but I've been on a tech support call with these Jawas for days now, and they just put me on hold again. It's not as if I can understand a word they're saying anyway. And, don't bother asking that protocol droid about the base. he'll say anything just to hear himself talk.

4) Ugh! How embarrassing is this: I think I might have left that in Lando's bed? How bad am I? But, see "Twilek Girl", in excuse 6. I'm justified.

3) I outsourced the planning of the rebel base to the Wookies, and they sent me back all of the information I requested... in Wookie. I got this weird instruction manual too, which I can't make any sense of, either. I'm sure we weren't building just a shelving unit. Maybe the Ewoks are going in that? Who knows?

2) I gave the location of the rebel base to Obi-wan Kenobi on video, but he accidentally taped the Boonta Pod Race Classic over it.

1) It's hidden somewhere on the Worldtrotter!

As I think of more excuses, I'll add 'em.

UPDATE: In Excuse #7, Darth Symlink has been replaced by Darth Ballgame, a chihuahua. Ballgame himself might not be able to finish the plans, but he does have Norman, his housemate the enormous Maine Coon cat, to help him out. And being that I've seen pics on Flickr of Norman eating an entire bag of spilled cat food, those Death Star Plans are as good as gone...