Darman Fett

"Did I really have to wear a dress Taryn? I feel like a complete utreekov!"

"Look Dar, I told you before we began that I needed you to wear a dress to fool that worthless di'kut. If you keep complaining I'll just take all the credits we earned and you'll get nothing, and you'll still be wearing that pretty little outfit of yours."

Taryn and I were just getting back from a very interesting mission. Our client hired us to go after this Rodian who owed our client a lot of credits after a Twi'lek circus performance went horribly wrong. The Rodian had a thing for human women, and apparently Taryn thought that I'd make a pretty good human woman.

"Dar you know Rodians can't tell human males from females when they're fully clothed. And you won't ever catch me snuggling with a Rodian."

One thing I learned about Taryn fairly early on was that it was a good idea to do what she said. I still have nightmares about her zenjii needles.

Taryn and I got off the street and walked into our favorite dive, the ESPS Bar; which was run by our clan mate Cy Ndakiel, to celebrate a successful mission. As we walked in we received stares from the various patrons, and by we a mean me. After what felt like a year we made it up to the bar to order our drinks.

"I'll have a Corellian brandy Cy." Taryn always drank Corellian brandy. Taryn turned to me, "Maybe Mand'alor will show up this evening."

Maybe. I was about to chat with Taryn when I noticed a Gamorrean in the corner. He was staring. At me. Osik. I turned to Taryn, "Great. I think that Gamorrean over there is taking a real liking to me Taryn. Couldn't we have at least stopped so I could change into my beskar'gam?" I asked pleadingly.

"No," she replied with what sounded like amusement. "That Gamorrean is the least of your worries."

I turned to where Taryn was pointing and saw that the person next to us at the bar was staring at me with a look that made me very uncomfortable. Then I noticed who it was. "Taryn, isn't that Jaing? And why is he staring at me like that?"

Taryn whispered to me, "Yes, and I think he's had a little too much tihaar Dar."

Just as she finished her sentence the drunken di'kut decided to talk. "Hey there pretty lady! I'm 'aing, I'm a Mandalorn mercenary. Whas your name?"

The fool couldn't even speak right. I turned to Taryn, and even though she was wearing her buy'ce I knew she was smiling. "What are you smiling at!? The di'kut doesn't even recognize me; he can barely talk."

"I know. Want to mess with him Dar?"

Ah, now that was an idea. I smiled back. "Yes, ner vod I think that's a swell idea..."

The next morning at UCOM HQ:

"Jaing, wake up."

Jaing? Oh wait that's me. Jaing opened his eyes and immediately regretted the decision. He couldn't see anything but a huge blur standing over top of him. He tried to remember where he was and how he got here from Cy's, but when he got to thinking he realized that his head felt like a rancor was standing on top it.

"Where am I? How did I get here?" he asked the talking blur. Jaing swore he recognized that gruff voice from somewhere.

"You're lying in the middle of HQ ner vod, and how you got here isn't important right now. What I'm wondering is why the osik are you out of your beskar'gam? That yellow dress is pretty on you ner vod, but I don't recall seeing a memo about a uniform change," the voice said with what sounded like amusement.

Yellow dress? Lying in HQ? Oh osik. Jaing looked down to where his armor should have been and saw that the voice was right. Sithspawn where'd my armor go? How'd this dress get on me? Jaing's eyes were beginning to adjust and he noticed that the blur had multiplied into many blurs, and the blurs were laughing. Then he remembered to whom the voice belonged.

"I don't know what happened to it Mand'alor. I know I had it on in the bar last night." Jaing said.

A new voice answered, "You really should lay off the tihaar Jaing. Cy says you created quite a scene last night at the bar. Bit off more than you could chew with some pirate fem."

A pirate? What the hell happened last night? "I don't remember any pirates Beviin. I just remember being at the bar and then I woke up here."

Jaing was starting to get worried; very worried.

"Well let me tell you what we heard from Cy, Taryn, and Dar," replied a new voice that sounded like Tal's. "You started hitting on some pirate who went by the name Rosemarie or something and she rebuffed you, but apparently you were too drunk to take the hint. You then made some very impolite remarks about showing her around your armor and she pulled out a vibroblade and nearly cut your head off. You pulled your gun and shot a Gamorrean. The Gamorrean thought that Taryn and Dar had shot him, so he went after them with a bloody vengeance." Tal pointed over to Taryn and Dar who were staring death at Jaing. They had bruises on their faces that looked a few hours old and Taryn's armor looked like it had bloodstains on it.

Wad'e chimed in, "The Gamorrean nearly stampeded a group of dar'jetii spoon-benders, who decided to pull out their light brights. Cy's still picking up limbs. After everything was said and done there were bodies, and their missing limbs, everywhere; Taryn was tossing zenjii needles at the Gamorrean in an attempt to get it to quit biting Dar; and you were last seen being chased out of the bar by the pirate fem. I don't know how she knew where HQ was or if she even brought you here herself, but here you are without your beskar'gam, wearing a yellow dress with a nametag that says 'Hi my name is Buttercup.'"

Jaing looked at each of them with a look of absolute horror and confusion. Then he looked down at the nametag and sure enough it read, Hi My Name Is: Buttercup. I would've thought that I would've remembered all that, he thought to himself. "I don't know what to say but I'm sorry vode. I can't remember a thing."

"Well, Buttercup, Taryn and I should kick your shebs after that little stunt, but we won't," said Dar. Dar had this evil smile on his face that matched Taryns.

"And w-wh-hy aren't-t you-u going to k-kill me?" Jaing stammered out sheepishly.

Taryn finally spoke her voice as cold as Hoth, "Because ner vod. We've got pictures." Taryn's smile turned predatory.

-The End

To find out what happened at the ESPS Bar please proceed to Taryn Galaar's profile! If you enjoyed this adventure please join us in the next episode: The Zombie Talz of Alzoc III!