Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore. The more you love someone, the less sense anything makes. But knowing that doesn't stop me from wondering, from analyzing ever word we ever spoke. Each look we shared is burned in my unforgiving memory. Oh how easy they come flooding back the dam I've created in my mind unable to stop its terrorizing waves from crashing around me, but I wade on. When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations , it's not reasonable to grieve when it ends. What we had, for what seems like moments though I know it lasted longer, has changed me.

I am not changed in the way that captures all eyes holding them captive but subtle little things have altered. No longer do I dream of rainbows, they have became nightmares constantly reminding me of what I've lost. It hurts to think about it. It's like I can't breathe, like I'm breaking into pieces. No one know, not truly though I am sure some have the tiniest idea.

There are days so shaded by funeral black when my mourning seems ever so justified that I can not bring myself to climb from my lonely bed. It is as if someone has died on those days, like I have died. Because it is far more than just losing the truest of true loves. As if that is not enough to kill anyone. It also is losing a whole future, a whole family, the whole life that I'd chosen...I was to be a Wife and Mother the rest of my days.

Fire and ice, somehow existing together without destroying each other doesn't seem so unlikely when I think of the contrast within me. My hatred, resentment and sorrow nested with my pride, devotion and love for my son. I turn from the darkness searching my sky for the fiery light that is my unborn child.

Yes though I do climb from bed in the end. Not for myself. No never myself for I no long live for myself but for my son. Is it really such a loathsome idea? Letting go of myself, being what he will need me to be? After all I no longer have my once reason for living, my son is that now. And so I grieve not for the life that was ripped from my very being, no I do not wear mourning black, I have sent out the divorce papers and I full fill my duties each traitorous day. After all who does my unborn son have but me? Let the waves crash the ice crumble and fires consume, I stand here strengthened my the the very though of my son.