I sagged in my chair.

"Close one," I sighed.

"You've had closer." AL-E smirked on the screen.

"Oh yeah? Like when?"

"Like that time you overslept on Solaris and had to get to cover before the sun roasted you. If I recall correctly, 6 seconds later and you would have been . . . what's the term? 'extra crispy'"

I smiled. I loved the way she did air quotes. She was right. That had been close, too close for comfort.

A virtual chair appeared on screen and she sat in it. "So . . . update me. I want to know everything that happened while we were apart, every thought and every feeling."

"Ok. Where's your chip? I'll plug you in and we can sync up."

"Unfortunately Dr. Aubrey and I could not manage to sneak anymore "unauthorized" merchandize onboard. The firearm under the bed was difficult enough to get through galactic security."

"Oh . . . I see. Well um, after I removed you I basically just kind of hid my stuff and told everyone that things were looking bad for me and they should probably forget about me. I got arrested a few hours later, went through trial, and got shipped to prison. Not much really."

"Hmm." She said the code word for "downloading and saving information". The phrase had gotten on my nerves within the first 24 hours of her installation, so I modified her programming to just make her say "hmm". It sounded more natural to me.

"I can imagine it is difficult for you to talk about it. Thank you for sharing with me," She said.

"You would have just looked it up when we synced up, so no point in not telling you."

"True. . . So, how do you like your ship?" She asked as she hopped out of her virtual chair, which disappeared as soon as she left it. "The Comet 3000. The best luxury cruiser to date."

"I uh, guess it's okay. I didn't exactly get a chance to look at it, you know . . . bombs, shooting guards, and stuff like that. It's got nice handling and speed."

"I think you will like it. I picked it especially for you. The warden ordered a private ship to be sent to the prison to take him to Manchuria. Imagine his surprise when this beauty showed up, completely free of extra charge . . . or at least free from his savings and checking accounts. Had he survived, he would have found his retirement savings to be somewhat 'less' than he would have expected" She smiled devilishly.

I chuckled. I remembered when she had been too virtuous to pull up a person's private medical records. Now here she was stealing money from soon to be dead people and breaking convicts out of prisons.

"I knew performance would be important to you," she continued, "but I also know that you like to travel in style. So this seemed like a perfect fit. It received 5 stars from the Galactic Ship Guild, and it has a 5 star safety rating. Not to mention all of the bonuses: built in air conditioning, fully equipped lodging and eating areas, and state of the art hygienic stations."

"Wait, it has a shower?" I asked. The year's worth of grime felt heavier and itchier at the sound of the word.

"Exactly Commander," she smiled, "I told you you would like it."

"AL-E, you are the greatest invention since the light bulb." I called as I zipped through the ship looking for the shower.

"Thank you Commander," she replied over the intercom system.

There it was! It had dark tinted glass lined by a shiny silver frame. I tentatively opened the door, almost afraid that the shower would vanish or vaporize. Inside it had the state of the art shower head, water proof cushioned seating, and foot massaging pads.

"Straight from hell to heaven," I sighed.